DNF (did not finish)
I didn’t finish.
It’s the first time I’ve DNF’d something big. Out of two Mexican volcanoes I planned to summit, Izta and Orizaba, I achieved one.
I’m not unfamiliar with turning around on short day hikes, quite a few of them actually. I’ve done it with the boys due to complaining, I’ve done it because I didn’t have time. But I’ve never done it on something I was truly aiming for.
Beginning the ascent to Iztaccihuatl at 11 PM
In retrospect, I’m not sure I could have gotten to the top of Orizaba if I had pushed all the way to the top of Izta. When our guide said three more hours to the summit I crumpled mentally. I wasn’t doing great physically either – got too cold.
But here’s the bigger part of the turnaround: for the first time, I strongly voiced an opinion. I said – I want to turn around. It’s vulnerable and it’s frankly not the way I want to be perceived. Especially in an environment I’ve spent so much time trying to become stronger within. That’s a roundabout way of saying I’ve got some ego, pride, arrogance, and a dash of expectation about being able to do what I set out to in the mountains.
Trailside “star” plants on acclimation hike for Iztaccihuatl
But this time, I turned the group around. I thought I’d have big feelings, opinions, and recriminations for myself – a vortex of guilt - but I didn’t. I have no regrets, I said to myself. Then, because after six-ish hours on the trail effectively demolishes my filter – I said it again out loud. No regrets. On it’s face, the turnaround meant Izta was a failure. But it didn’t feel like one.
First portillo of Iztaccihuatl
I got to see that special color of blue that only happens when the sun is considering waking itself. I got to watch the first stretches of sunlight hit the smoke issuing from a nearby active volcano, Popo. The colors filtering through that column of ash are something I would have missed if I’d continued for the summit. I captured my favorite image of the entire trip on the way down, with just-barely-dawn light that wouldn’t have existed for another half hour.
Volcanic smoke at dawn from Popo, the neighbor volcano to Iztaccihuatl
I had an inkling beforehand that this trip would contain a DNF somehow. Then I worried I would be manifesting if I kept thinking about it. Those pre-thoughts may have contributed, sure.
Our guides helped us frame it in a way that helped: did you learn what you need to from this day? Did you find out something you can apply to the next mountain? Without question, the answer was yes. I did apply those lessons and I’m pretty sure that intel allowed me to summit the next volcano.
Clouds rolling over the foothills of Iztaccihuatl
So what if I didn’t put my feet on the highest point? The bigger victory was wanting to turn around and saying so.
I made it down healthy. After a rest day, I ascended to the highest I’ve ever been and I walked on a glacier to get there. I witnessed the full spectrum of a sunrise twice of four days.
I didn’t finish, but that lack ended up being a fullness.
Inspired by events on Iztaccihuatl and Citlaltépetl (Pico de Orizaba), Mexico